Polyamory and Adding Someone New to the Group

11 Apr

As most of you probably know, we are a poly family. We’ve been a triad for over six years: Reggie, his wife Eeza, and me (Kasi or Cassidy, whichever you prefer). For a long time it’s seemed to me that we needed another submissive around, to help with the family businesses and round out the collective energy.

But you can’t rush these things, so I’ve waited, hoping we would meet someone who was (1) naturally poly, (2) attractive, (3) interested in getting to know all of us, and (4) interested in chainmail, travel, and writing romance.

It seemed like a lot to wish for. Not too many people are naturally polyamorous, and the chances against finding someone who liked all three of us seemed enormous. So I waited, hoping but trying not to hold my breath too much.

Then it happened. We met Evie, a woman right around our ages, with Sir’s taste in music, a sweet personality, culinary training (yay!), a similar philosophy of D/s and life, and the desire to join a family, even one as odd as ours. She started hanging around the house, and it just seemed right to all of us to have her stay.

We’re taking some things slowly (more slowly than a “normal” relationship would go), but other things are going much faster (which seems to be a trend in alternative relationships). When you’re adding sexual partners, everybody has to be in the loop and comfortable with what’s going on. If one person is unhappy with the pace (when is kissing allowed, what about condoms?), that’s got to be taken into consideration. Poly groups often negotiate “fluid bonding,” which generally means that unprotected sex is allowed within the group only, with outside contact having to be negotiated with all members of the group. Often every member will get tested for STDs so it’s clear that there are no risks of that kind.

Evie is beginning to learn about our businesses, our quirks, and what might be expected of a member of the family, and we’re getting used to her personality and how her energy changes the dynamic of the household. There are of course things that will need to be changed and adjusted to allow for another person to come in and become one of us. Sleeping arrangements need to be re-arranged, and there are lots of questions to think through. What do we do with her furniture? Do we combine or store? How do chores get re-divided and who contributes how much to which bills?

It’s certainly not a situation for the weak of heart—or for poor communicators. Poly comes with its own booby traps and pitfalls, and some lines have to be crossed very warily. Still, when you have four people whose energy blends as well as ours seems to, you know when it’s right. In a strange way, adding Evie has improved the existing individual relationships between us. We often seem to get “stuck,” not able to get beyond old ways of relating to each other, but her personality is almost like a lubricant that makes everything flow better between us all. Even the relationship between Eeza and me is easier and friendlier when Evie is here. I once heard on Sister Wives that it’s a standard piece of advice given to men who only have two wives, that a third can balance out the family and make everything work better, and I’ve always been curious if that was true. I’m sure it depends on the individuals involved, but I have to say for us, it definitely feels that way at the moment.

Of course problems and issues will pop up. There will be jealousy and hurt feelings from time to time, like there are in any relationship. But just because it’s tricky doesn’t mean it won’t be incredibly rewarding when the bugs are worked out. (I won’t say the kinks, because we kind of like those.) If anybody would like to ask more detailed questions about how these relationships work (or one way they can), feel free to comment here or email me at kasialexander@gmail.com. We’re always happy to talk about our lifestyle in the hopes of increasing public awareness. And if anyone happens to know the producers of Sister Wives—here we are!!! Just sayin’.

12 Responses to “Polyamory and Adding Someone New to the Group”

  1. lisacarlton April 11, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    Always love hearing from you and how open you are about everything…..thank you for allowing us to be a part of your lives

    • naughtyeverafter April 11, 2013 at 8:17 am #

      Thank you Lisa, we always love the feedback from people. It is sometimes hard to see the whole picture being so close to it so seeingother peoples reactions to what we are doing helps us be better in our relationships and helps us to educate others about at least one way of doing poly. We have been a solid triad for over 6 years so this new addition will be interetsing to watch develop and to see what new lessons we will learn. have a great day.

      Reggie

  2. Tara Rose April 11, 2013 at 7:42 am #

    Best of luck to all of you, and I hope this turns out to be a positive for your family.

  3. Shannon B April 11, 2013 at 7:52 am #

    I love the updates on what is going on in your life. I know that Poly isn’t right for me, but have always been interested in learning more. Thank you for being so open and honest. I love learning more.

    • naughtyeverafter April 11, 2013 at 8:13 am #

      Thank you Shannon, your comments are always appreciated. poly isn’t for many people, but for those that it is right it can be quite an adventure. Every opportunity is a learning experience and helps us grow as people. Have a fantastic day!!

      Reggie

  4. DJ Westerfield (@curvywriter) April 11, 2013 at 7:53 am #

    This is so thoughtful and well written. Thank you for sharing. I’m a bit voyeuristic when it comes to you and your family, I think. Before I met you I had no idea about the Poly world, but I enjoy learning through reading your blog and, of course, chatting with you and Reggie. Good luck with your new arrangement. New relationships, of any kind, can be exciting and scary at the same time. I hope it works out for all of you.

    • naughtyeverafter April 11, 2013 at 8:11 am #

      Thanks DJ, it is always an adventure, lol. It is funny how life puts opportunities into your path, it can’t make you act on them but it sure puts them in your path. We weren’t really planning on adding anyone to our family but she is a great match for us all. I am glad that people are willing to let us share our adventure with them. the feedback we get is always interesting and often helpful. hope you and your radio show are doing well, tell your sidekick we said hi, :).

      Reggie

  5. Xaytos April 11, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

    How exciting and scary at the same time. Miss you all. Looking foward to catching up with you sometime this summer and look forward to meeting evie.

  6. Erika Reed April 11, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    I am very happy for you all. It seems Evie holds the key to completing your happy family. I wish you all well and can’t wait for the chance to meet you all in person some day. You all seem like sweet, caring people and is nice to see you share your enormous hearts with another person. I wish you all the best. 🙂

  7. Cherie Clark April 11, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    Hey there you guys i am so happy that you were able to find this lovely new addition to your already awesome family. You guys are so inspirational for accepting what you want and for going for it. Love you guys and continue to keep us posted. So when are ya all going computer shopping 4 authors are going to need a few, but oh the research you can now do huh.

  8. Reece Butler April 25, 2013 at 10:23 pm #

    I can see how having 3 vs 2 partners of a different sex can change the dynamics toward a more positive set of interactions. (Not saying a change was needed.) Having a third person would make situations or issues no longer about “either A or B”. Person C can diffuse situations by making things less confrontational merely by being there. Having a third person who is caring and thoughtful would make this even better. Thanks so much for writing about your situation and raising these thoughts.

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